Memoir / Humor
Date Published: 11-28-2023
Publisher: 9th House
At the end of the 20th century, while mainstream media popularized an
expensively dressed version of modern adult life, a rawer, and definitely
weirder, reality was playing out off-screen. Columnist and zinester Kathy
Biehl chronicled that from a singular and heavily trafficked intersection -
collision point, some might say - of young professionals, performing and
outsider artists, Unitarians, gays and lesbians, metaphysicians, traveling
statues, and people who defied categorizing, many of whom wanted to sleep
together, and some of whom actually did.
This essay collection, a followup to Eat, Drink & Be Wary: Cautionary
Tales, romps through antics, sagas, and questionable behavior that Biehl
witnessed, experienced and, at times, instigated. With eyebrow firmly
arched, she snapshots sexual tension, ambivalence, and confusion; perils of
fan mail and professional caroling; Groucho impersonators, snooping
repairmen, and divine manifestations; ludicrous journeys, backstage dramas,
and driveway parties; close-ups with a strange, frightening disease; her
own, accidental attainment of goddesshood; and other mystery-marvels of life
on the bridge to the millennium.All of it really happened. Nobody could make
this stuff up.
Excerpt
Burning Desire
This is not a longstanding, conscious goal. I had to see a couple actually
doing it before I formulated this desire. I was sitting at a booth in a
ridiculously goofy Hawaiian restaurant, a worthy successor to the tradition
of the long-departed Trader Vic’s. (That place had a cachet so
powerful that a group of Irish musicians kept a flower-shirted vigil there
every night of its last week in business, as if to store up mock Polynesian
ambiance against a dreary future of non-accessorized drinking.)
The Hawaiian newcomer offered an ideal setting for lounging about on the
receiving end of a garish exotic drink with an equally garish paper parasol.
The bar was an island adrift in a mural of sea gulls, clouds, and foamy
tide, against which Don Ho sang away with a happy children’s chorus.
Beneath its stockpile of Mylar-tipped swizzle sticks and totem-faced ceramic
mugs sat a couple who’d opted for the most adventuresome entry on the
specialty drink menu. Their straws connected them to a wide-rimmed bowl, big
enough to require two hands for carrying, that contained the alcoholic
equivalent of the kitchen sink. At the center lept flames.
“I want a man who’ll drink fire with me,” I said to my
companion, who is used to such out-of-the-blue revelations. The thought
didn’t surprise him; he’s heard something about wanting to shoot
fire off my fingertips. He responded enthusiastically, and not out of
reciprocal interest or even friendly solidarity. He wouldn’t mind a
man who would drink fire with him, either.
The line keeps returning. Days later I think, “I want a man
who’ll drink fire with me.” I suspect the thought may contain
deep meaning. A Theory immediately begins taking shape.
It resurfaces during a phone conversation with my accountant. I mention the
Hawaiian bar excursion. “I want a man who’ll drink fire with
me,” I tell him, and he roars with laughter, not entirely as a result
of the tension from impending IRS deadlines. As I defend the statement it
rises to the level of a Fundamental Truth of my existence.
The concept has now taken on nearly every critical characteristic of the
elusive target of my quest. It has fast become my personal Grail.
The image transcends the mere act of sticking a straw in a flame-kissed
beverage. It reveals an entire personality. It shows me a complex blend of
bravado and flamboyance that makes light of itself, of calculated
risk-taking coupled with recklessness and humor, of élan and
adventure expressed with panache.
He is a natural showman, skilled in the grand gesture, attentive to
appearances without attaching excessive important to them for their own
sake. For that reason he doesn’t take himself too seriously. People
can start and think all they want he he enjoys himself; what matter are the
opinions of people who’ve lost the ability to play?
He’s spontaneous and prone to cast off responsibility in ways that
endanger no one. However modest his normal habits, my fire drinker is
reckless enough to ingest liquids in colors not found in nature, to throw
caution to the wind.
But I detect profound depths, too. Drinking fire demonstrates that he is
willing to jump into an experience, even if it’s potentially
dangerous. Even if he risks getting scorched. The act places him within
flirting range of the flame as well as of me, and who’s to say which
could be more threatening?
The risk doesn’t daunt him, though. He saunters up to the flame
without hesitation. His sharp, agile mind and natural intuition tell him
exactly where to place the straw to keep from getting hurt. And, most
importantly, he shares the experience with me. We sit straw to straw, on
equal terms, growing tipsy from the same source, and, when the last drop is
drained, holding our straws over the flame and watching the heat shrivel
them into a misshapen residue that will perplex the bartender.
Granted, this metaphor leaves out a few things, like not smoking and not
hunting for sport, speaking a foreign language, and being equally
comfortable in jeans or a tuxedo. All of those were on a list of a
hundred-plus characteristics I actually wrote out a few years ago.
(Don’t worry; I can’t find it now.) Perhaps it is my previous
inability to formulate this desire succinctly that has posed the impediment
to attaining Relationship. Naming is a step to claiming, they say.
So here goes: I want a man who’ll drink fire with me. You can laugh
all you like. Everyone who hears it does. It’s a silly idea. And
that’s why it’s so appealing.
It makes me laugh, too. And I’ll still be laughing when you see a
flaming bowl between a pair of self-possessed characters engrossed in mirth
and each other. Look with a woman with a raised eyebrow and a mysterious
smile. That’ll be me.
About the Author
Since childhood Kathy Biehl has scribbled down observations of human
behavior and attempted to make sense of it. She gave up writing fiction long
ago. Her first anthology, Eat, Drink & Be Wary: Cautionary Tales, was
shortlisted for the 2022 Eric Hoffer Award Grand Prize. Her writing has also
won awards from the Association of Food Journalists, Houston Press Club, and
Texas Bar Journal. She is a former columnist and associate editor of the
Houston Press. She is also the publisher, Editrix, and primary voice of the
social commentary zine Ladies' Fetish & Taboo Society Compendium of
Anthropology, which existed in print from 1988-1998 and continues online in
companion blogs.
Contact Links
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Twitter: @kathybiehl
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Instagram: @kabiehl
Threads: @kabiehl
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