Inhale two, three, four, five. Hold two, three.
Exhale, two, three, four, five... crap there it is again.
I know I heard something, I know I did. How
many pills did I take? I had not had a panic attack in months. Is it real? Is
it me?
Do I move? Do I go downstairs? OK. Relax deep
breath in, long breath out. Deep in...
She repeated the
breathing technique her therapist had taught her a few times, her heart rate began
to feel right, it had a steady flow again and her palms stopped sweating.
She sat up in her
bed. Her hands reached in the darkness for the lamp on the side table. It
seemed her arm had to reach a little further than usual. The lump in her throat,
the sweaty palms, the heart thumping as if it was about to jump out of her
chest all invaded her simultaneously.
Her hand shook
violently as she finally reached the lamp and her fingers grasped the knob. Her
wet sweaty hands finally managed to turn the knob, the bright light flooded the
room.
She sat still as she
studied every shadow in the room. Like a diver she took a deep breath and
plunged down on the floor to look under the bed, her eyes were shut tight, she
exhaled and opened her eyes. There was nothing scary, not even a dust bunny.
“I am safe. I am
safe and secure. A great future awaits me beyond my fears. I am safe and
secure.”
Her therapist had
trained her to use affirmations aloud. She almost felt safe.
“I am safe. I am
safe and secure. A great future awaits me beyond my fears. I am safe and
secure.”
She picked up her cell
phone, stared at it and smiled.
‘I should have reached for the phone before I
reached for the lamp.’
Her therapist was
third on her speed dial; her father was first and her mother second. The sleepy voice sounded slow but aware.
“Clair it is three
a.m.”
She was embarrassed but
the simple sound of Dr. Lucidity’s voice instilled a level of calmness that no pill
could match.
“I know. I’m sorry,
feel free to charge extra for this phone session.”
“It’s not that
Clair, it is that you had not called me like this in several months. What happened?”
She cleared her
throat to buy time before she answered.
“I am not sure if it
was a sound or a feeling that woke me up. I tried my breathing exercises, I tried,
but…”
The soothing voice
on the phone interrupted her, acknowledging how hard it was for Clair to explain.
“Is your room light
on now?”
“Yes”
“Did you look under
the bed?”
“Yes.”
“Have you left the
room?”
“No.”
“OK. If it was a
sound, anything, something that goes bump in the night that we cannot identify generally
causes fear. A night fright. So perhaps we do not need to explore what
triggered it. Do you want to hold the phone and talk to me as you check the
other rooms?”
Clair had to think she
knew there was a perfect explanation for the trigger, she had to decide whether
she was ready to tell Doc L or not.
“I think I know what
triggered this.”
The silence was the
space Dr. Lucidity always granted her. This time however she needed more than
space.
“Clair?”
“Yes?”
“What triggered it?”
“I was at a bridal
shower for a colleague. For fun someone hired a psychic. I avoided her but we
went to the buffet table at the same. She was friendly and asked why I hadn’t
gotten a reading and before I could answer she said ‘they are trying to contact you, but won’t if you are afraid, there is
nothing to be afraid of’. I took pills, you know the new ones to relax, and
I slept for a few hours. I’m not sure if the sound that woke me up was outside
or inside of me.”
“Oh crap!”
“I know right? Oh
Crap.”
“Did any of your
friends there know that you experienced visits
before?”
“No, no way. It was my
group of lawyers I can’t afford to look like a loony.”
Silence again.
“When the psychic
said what she said, were you afraid?”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“What did you feel?”
Clair sighed. She
cleared her throat and said,
“It felt true.”
Years of therapy
flashed in her mind. Years of trying to deny what she saw and what she felt
when she was not medicated. Years of living in fear.
“It felt true.” She repeated
as loud and clear as the affirmations she had been trying to use for years.
The stinging pain in
her back was warm and sudden. Her last breath was an exhale. For once the sound
and the fear had been real. Realization of the irony was the last thought Clair
had before everything went dark.
When something Goes bump
in the night perhaps it should cause a fright.
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